You probably noticed I’ve been neglecting the blog, not posting as often, in fact, not at all for a couple of weeks. Not often I write a post this personal, but as I said before, I am a believer that beauty is mainly what is on the inside, and the last months have been dark and far removed from beautiful.
I always considered myself an anxious person – you know the type that suffers in anticipation, that will do various things to prevent a scenario that might not even become reality? Yes, that is me.
This anxiety, though, alway propelled me to do things better – it made me revise that tiny bit more (even though I didn’t need to) and in the rare occasion, it made for good plans B and C when A failed.
But it never interfered with my life. To the point it started to cripple other areas and I started having panic attacks, anxiety attacks, crying uncontrollably and in public type of attacks. A feeling of sadness, hopelessness, desperation and loneliness so deep it was bigger than myself. I barely recognised myself – I’ve been a faded, colourless version of myself, that is drowning. Everything seemed to be too much and I was struggling. I became short, unkind and sometimes hurtful to people around me. I am not like that. That wasn’t right. And that made it all even worse. There were three months of feeling miserable.
Few things make me forget about it. Mainly the gym and blogging. I stopped socialising – me, the social butterfly that is guaranteed to appear in every party. I didn’t want to see people. Getting on the public transport made me sad. Sitting at my desk at work made me sad. I procrastinated what I could, and felt drained most of the time, fuelling myself with little energy gained from physical activity and doing things related to the blog, especially writing, taking pictures and going a few events.
I’ve been getting treatment with CBT and felt better – the will to do things picked up again, my mood was better most of the time and I could see this working for me.
I still don’t know the full extent of what is wrong with me emotionally or the reasons (although I’ve been working on that an moving on the right direction), it will probably take a long time. One trigger for sure was my hair, that has been falling and the biopsy came with a scary result, even though the consultant dermatologist doesn’t agree with it, as I lack physical symptoms, this threw me back on square one and I became an emotional mess once again.
This affected my work a bit – I started making silly, little mistakes (that really annoyed me, as I usually don’t make those), I had little patience, crying at my desk, the toilet, commuting. There were some horrendous few weeks where I constantly felt on the verge of a breakdown. But I kept working.
So I decided that, instead of dealing with all my problems at once, I will tackle one at a time and as well as I can. I cannot struggle anymore. And I will find myself again. I will.
After a few breakdowns the doctor signed me off from work. Then I made a solid plan. And followed it. In the first couple weeks I threw myself deep into the first step of my plan (which was the decision to focus on one problem and work hard to better it), work I had to do within myself. I concentrated, I corrected myself, I found additional psychological support, I stayed close to my family. I did things which reminded me of who I really am. And slowly things started to look more positive, I finally had hopes of better days, I had moments of peace of mind, I was able to clear my mind. I was actually thinking clearer. Then I started to
Four weeks on, I am calmer and the obsessive behaviour is subdued; the main issue has faded and although I know it is not gone, I know I can deal with it. And I know I am string to deal with the other issues I will tackle later.
It is still a daily struggle, but I believe I found that self that can do things, that won’t let herself fade again. And I won’t.
So Many Lovely Things 
Hey lovely! I know it would have taken a lot to write this post so well done.. through doing this i’m sure you have spoken and connected with so many people dealing with the same or similar things. You are much stronger than you think and as you know are on the right path.. Couple of years ago I began my recovery from Anorexia and depression, CBT was a god send and its hard work but life is so much better on the other side!
Again well done for this post.. If you ever want a chat you know where I am 🙂 x
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Hey! Thanks for your lovely comment. It did take a lot, it had been sitting as draft for a little while.
Now I feel better I thought it was time to do it! I am glad you are much better, I am getting there, it takes time, I learnt. And although I know it is not 100%, I know I will get there.
Thanks again for your kind words, they mean a lot.
Lots of love,
Dani x
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This really spoke to me as I too suffer with an anxiety disorder, OCD. There are days when it’s manageable and there are days when are completely unbearable. The past year I would say has been very difficult for me. I am also very social, outgoing, passionate and I find that in the past year I have withdrawn, I talk to my friends significantly less and I barely see them. I keep to myself and I don’t even seem to mind! I prefer to be alone. All my passions and hobbies are suffering as I don’t even have interest in them. It does interfere with work and that’s not good because obviously we cannot afford to lose our jobs. What I find frustrating is that you can’t even talk to people about it because most don’t understand and find anxiety issues to be almost a joke and tell you to just deal with it.
I totally understand how you feel because I am going through it myself. I command you on getting help however. I was seeing a therapist as well although I am not at the moment because I lost desire for that too. However, blogging is a great way to keep at least that one thing for yourself. Don’t stop and keep it going please.
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Hi Nina
Thank you so much for you kind words, they mean a lot to me! I am really sorry to hear you also suffer from an anxiety disorder. It is terrible and yes, I heard “pull yourself together” many a times, which prompted my reply – I’ve been trying, really hard to “pull myself together”, for months, and I simply cannot. Some people just don’t quite get it. I got to the point I was avoiding seeing people, everyone ticked me off. Been good with the “alone” activities, or places I don’t know anyone. Getting on public transport is really frustrating for me. I am getting help and feel so much better for it. It helped that my doctor signed me off for a while so I could gather my thoughts and focus real hard on one thing, and also my family. I got such an amazing amount of support from them and dear friends that it has given me the strength to carry on – but mainly, they reminded me of the person I really am and how that person will keep going. I managed to go out AND have fun, it was great! I had three months of hell, I am feeling good overall now, but there are moments I am not. But I am learning to control. Slowly, every day is a new day. I have some obsessive behaviour too, and am working on that.
Please take care and try to go back to therapy! You are strong and can keep going, as you have been. I will not stop blogging – this kept me going for the months previous to the break, as the only thing that gave me a bit of peace of mind. Thanks for your support!
Once again, thank you so much for taking the time to write and the courage to talk about your condition – it is good to find such a supportive lot, that will do so even when they have their issues too. We do have each other, and feel free to talk whenever you want 😀
Lots of love,
Dani x
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Hi Dani,
I completely missed your reply. Not sure how that happened!!!
Anyhow, I am glad to hear that you are doing better. I think dealing with anxiety is an ongoing battle. It never stops but there are ways to keep it under control and have a good quality life. There will be good and bad times and bad times really suck. But as long as we have the will to fight it , we will be OK.
You are definitely right. We do have each other! And I may take you up on your offer to talk one day. You can feel free to do the same! Sometimes it’s easier to talk to someone who doesn’t personally know you.
I find that we tend to suffer in silence because others do not acknowledge anxiety and such thing as a real deal. But it’s all too real and just because people don’t understand doesn’t make it less so.
Hope you are having a great day.
xoxo Nina
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It is indeed an ongoing battle. I am feeling much better, not 100%, but way better than I was a month ago. We just need to work very hard to have more good times than bad!
You are very right, it is quite hard for people to understand,that makes it even worse for us! It is important to get support from wherever we can and as much as we can, so do not suffer in silence, feel free to email me somanylovelythings[at]gmail[dot]com if you feel like it 😀
I am having a good day, hope you are too – and that it happens more and more! One day at a time!
Stay well and chat soon,
Dani xoxo
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Thanks hun and here is my email as well.
ninapalikuca82@gmail.com
Feel free to drop me a line anytime 🙂
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Dani if you ever need someone to listen, talk or simply go for coffee and beauty shopping spree in Boots, feel free to let me know. It’s so hard to talk about such personal issues – and so brave! XXXX
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Hello lovely!
Thanks for dropping by and for taking the time to comment!
Also, thank you for your offer – it’s been really hard, but I think (and hope) the worse has passed!
I will, however, still take your offer – we should definitely catch up sometime!
❤
Dani x
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Hi Dani, I really appreciate your honesty about anxiety. I know how hard it is to share personal details of your life but, I feel that it can help others with their problems. I myself have anxiety issues particularly when there is to much change going on in my life. When to much is going on I feel out of control and it scares me. The anxious feelings set in and suddenly I feel angry, or snappy. One time I was at work my boss was making a lot of changes with staff, the area where I worked, moving office things all around with out notice. I freaked out , went to ladies room to compose myself. I agree with you every day is a challenge but, it does get better or I should say I get better at dealing with my anxiety. I hope everyday gets better for you, it sounds like you have a Support system which is very important. Thanks again for sharing your story.
.
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Hey, thank you for taking the time to write here – and share too! I feel snappy too, very often, been in the last days! Things have been much better and I know how lucky I am to have all the support around me. Just taking each day as it comes! And it is great to know there are also so many supportive people who don’t even know you personally, but always have a kind word to give. And it means a lot.
Lots of love,
Dani x
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